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She paused briefly, realizing she was going off track, and tried to bring it back to the main point.
— "I know, I know… You’re probably thinking this is some kind of prank, right? A setup, or I don’t know, like there’s an actress sitting here trying to fool you, maybe a filter or something, there’s a lot you could think… You know, I’d probably think the same way. And honestly… I still can’t believe it myself. If someone told me this, I’d definitely think it was either a crazy game or just… some weird performance for attention. Every time I look in the mirror, it seems like a prank or something, like any minute it’ll all just go back… But actually," — she gave a bitter smile and spread her hands helplessly — "I’d be glad if it were a joke. But, sadly, it’s not.”
She lowered her gaze and added softly:
— "Honestly… I don’t know what to do with all of this next," — she said, biting her lip and glancing off to the side. — "It’s just, you know, I wanted to at least get it all out to someone… just get it off my chest. Other people wouldn’t understand any of this, and even now I’m not sure that you… understand. So… here I am, thinking — should I even post this video? I mean, honestly… even I’m not sure how I’d take it if I saw something like this from another writer or artist in this genre. Maybe it’d be simpler to take a couple of photos, which are, well, mine now, add some strange caption like ‘well, this is me now’ and go on with things. Like usual, as if it’s just another story with captions. That way it’ll look like just another character, like it’s just fiction, and no one will think I… that this is real…”
Her voice trailed off, and she fell silent, as if internally debating whether to leave this on the video at all.
— "Hell if I know what’s best… Maybe it really is better… Let this be like a fictional thing, yeah?… Even if someone notices that something’s ‘off,’ no one in real life will think this is all real. They’ll just read it and think I’m still the same as I was… There’d be at least some new material, right?… I just…”
She paused, her gaze turning glassy as though picturing that post and the reactions to it.
— "And if someone starts making stupid jokes… like, 'oh, I'm such a hottie, blah-blah'… Or… or ‘What kind of crap are yo even writing here’…" A tear appeared in her eyes again. "I mean, I don’t even know how to write about all this anymore… I mean, it's not just random fantasies now; it’s something real… Something more than just stories about transformations… My old stories don’t reflect what I feel anymore, you know? Those were just imagination games, not… not my life. And now it’s more than just blog material or some fetish."
She sighed, a sad but slightly relieved smile crossing her face, as if she felt some small relief after all her words.
— “Let this video stay simply as an attempt to speak out. I needed it… if only to talk to someone, even if you never see it. But if I do decide to post it, know this: life sometimes brings you to your knees in the most unexpected places, and only hell or God knows why, but I wouldn’t be myself if I gave up now.”