“Wait a minute. I’ve already suffered through three of you. No one said anything about a fourth. So who the hell are you?”
“I am the Ghost of Christmas–”
“You know what? I don’t care. Haunt me already and get it over with. Then leave me the hell alone to live my life the way I want to.”
“Wow, you are a crusty one. Such a shame, too. Scrooge at least matched his inward misanthropy with a wizened, grizzled exterior. But your cruelty and hate stand in stark contrast to your outer beauty.”
“Are you ogling me? Should a spirit be doing that? It’s weird. And creepy. Not to say that you don’t have good taste. Everyone likes looking at me. With this face, these boobs, this ass, and these legs, who can blame them? Still, you’re dead or whatever, aren’t you?”
“I am a ghost, yes. But once I was alive, and I looked much like you do.”
“Yeah, I can see that. I mean, all the wispy-flowy-translucent nonsense kind of gets in the way. But not so much that I can’t tell you were a looker.”
“Is that a kindness from you? Are you proving yourself someone who can be redeemed? Did your earlier visitations indeed affect you?”
“Ugh. No. Get over yourself. Just because I’m a cold-hearted bitch doesn’t mean I can’t acknowledge when someone is attractive.”
“So my presence here is warranted.”
“I guess so. But, honestly, save yourself the effort and me the boredom. Skip the haunting. We can both say you gave it your best shot to no avail. You can make ready to scare the next guy or gal straight, and I can get back to my life. And hopefully get a bit of sleep before I have to endure another sappy Christmas.”
“There is no ‘skipping’ what is to come. We shall now begin…”
“Seriously, this is going to be a colossal waste of time. Just like showing me my past, present, and future was. Isn’t there some way I can avoid this?”
“No.”
“Of course there isn’t. Ah, there it is, that ominous finger snap that you ghosts seem to love using to preface scenery changes. Where are we going this time? Please tell me it won’t be–auugghh! What the hell?”
“Relax. You’re in no danger.”
“How the hell does finding myself spread-eagled in a bondage chair equate to being in no danger? And what the hell does this have to do with a Christmas haunting?”
“You won’t be hurt, I assure you. And the earlier Christmas hauntings clearly weren’t enough. So now, I’m amping it up.”
“Hey! Stop that! Don’t touch my shoes! No! Leave my socks on!”
“Such an exploitable weakness, this dislike you have of being barefoot. All the more so with how squeamish you are about having your feet touched.”
“No! Don’t you dare!”
“Don’t I dare do what? This?”
“Hahahahaha! Hahahahahahaaha! Hahahahahahahahahaha!”
“At last, some Christmas cheer from you.”
“Forced laughter is your idea of Christmas cheer? And you think I’m the cruel and heartless one.”
“Extreme cases require drastic measures.”
“No! Not again! Don’t–hahahahaha! Hahahahahahahaha! Hahahahahahahahahha!”
“Ho-ho-ho. Merry Christmas.”
“You sick, perverted ghost! You think tickle torturing me is going to work? That it’s going to make me change my ways?”
“Actually, no, I don’t.”
“Then why are you doing it?”
“Because…”
“Hahahahaha! Hahahahahahaaha! Hahahahahahahahahaha! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahhaha!”
“...it’s fun. And I like it. Granted, it has a practical effect, as well. While it won’t make you change your ways, it will soften you up for what comes next.”
“Hahahahaha! No. Please. No more, no more. Please!”
“A little more, at least, is warranted.”
“Hahahahaha! Hahahahahahaaha! Hahahahahahahahahaha! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahhaha! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahaha!”
“That should do it. Ready for the next part?”
“Bring…it…on.”
“Such words of conviction, but delivered so weakly and ineffectually. You have no fight left in you. So, yes, you are ready.”
“Wait, no! What is that thing? Get it off of my head! Those flashing lights…that droning buzz…I can’t think…stop it! Please! Make it stop! Make…it…oh…my head…oh! Oh! My…head! My…my…oh…uh…uhhhh…uhhhhhh….”
“There, there. I know the induction can be disorienting. But it’s almost over. In another moment, you’ll be under. Then, everything will be easier. Yes, that’s it. Now we can get to it. Can you hear me?”
“...Yes…I can hear you…”
“Good. Listen carefully: You want to be a good person.”
“...I want to be a good person…”
“You want to be kind and helpful.”
“...I want to be kind and helpful…”
“You will keep the spirit of Christmas, not only during the holiday season, but all year long.”
“...I will keep the spirit of Christmas…not only during the holiday season…but all year long…”
“Excellent. Scratch one mean-spirited miser. And let the world welcome a new, sweet, loving, caring woman. Ah, but there is a little more before we’re done. Something near and dear to me personally: You love being barefoot. You love having your feet tickled. In fact, you love your bare feet getting all sorts of intimate attention. And you love giving that attention back with them.”
“...I love being barefoot…I love having my feet tickled…I love my bare feet getting all sorts of intimate attention…And I love giving that attention back with them…”
“Lovely. And, as you’ll come to find out soon enough, that last bit will make your next romantic partner extremely happy. Now, when I snap my fingers, you’re going to wake up in bed. Your memory of these four hauntings will quickly fade until they are naught but a fleeting dream. But you will act on all the hypnotic suggestions I’ve given you, and they will steer the course of your life from now on. Do you understand?”
“...Yes…I understand…”
“Well, that’s it, then. Another successful haunting. It’s a shame that I had to be brought in to convince such a hardcore case…ah, who am I kidding? If not for the hardcore cases, how would I have any fun? Here’s to there being another bad-but-beautiful curmudgeon that the Ghost of Christmas Brainwashing can convert into a better person!”