I slept in, and when I woke up, I was starving.

The first part of that isn't unusual for a Saturday morning in the fall; most of my friends are Football People, so their Saturdays and Sundays are locked up for three months during the gridiron season. I'm less of a fan, so I get all my partying in on the Friday the night before.

The second part is a bit unusual - even when I'm watching what I eat, I rarely get that hungry.

I grab my phone to order DoorDash and check the time. 11:30 AM. That's a bit late, even for me, but it means that instead of some crappy breakfast delivery, I can order a whole-ass burrito to actually fill me up.

Food secured, I head to the bathroom to take care of those needs.

I open the toilet, aim and oh shit hang on there's nothing to aim. That's clearly wrong, but I don't have time to sort it out. Urgent needs first, weird questions second.

Sitting down, I have a chance to inspect the situation better, and it hasn't changed in the last thirty seconds. No